Needles
by Soyna
Summary: A LOT OF SWEARING AND INSULTS.  Reno sits on a baby cactuar and has to have the needles removed.


**NEEDLES**

* * *

**Warning**.  
EXTREMLY BAD LANGUAGE! OMG! REALLY REALLY A LOT OF INSULTS AND SWEARING! Blood. Violence. Needles. … and Reno torturing! But it's cute, I promise.

**Characters:**  
Reno, Tseng, Zack and Rude.

**Pre-Author's Note**  
For Funkysockzlover… It be her birthday. I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS CAME FROM. SO MANY INSULTS. But it is still cute and odd… I hope.

**Disclaimer  
**Don't own anything to do with the Final Fantasy Fandom, just using for my own amusement. Do not profit from this endeavour.

* * *

The scream could be heard across the desert plains. Zack had to cover his ears at the noise the redhead was making, but it did nothing to wipe the smile off his face.

"What the fuck are ya guys tryin' to do to me, yo!" Reno yelled. He was draped across a rock with Rude pressing against his back to keep him from struggling too much. Not only was Reno's pain amusing as hell, but it was entertaining to see the normally stoic Tseng trying to remain cool and calm and failing.

"Gently, ya fucker!" Reno demanded.

Tseng had an uncharacteristic grin on his face as he looked down at Reno and his injury. Tseng was trying to cover up his amusement with a hand over his mouth, trying to look inquisitive and failing. Zack didn't bother to hide his smile. He couldn't remember the last time that he was so amused by a situation.

Reno had done nothing but complain about the heat as they walked through the desert and whine about how thirsty he was and how he needed a higher protection of sunscreen.

Payback for the whining was going to be fun.

"You need to hold still or else I won't be able to get them out!" Zack tried to emulate the stern tone of his mentor, but he knew he was failing.

"You didn't need to twist it, ya sadistic fuck!" Reno roared.

Zack could see Rude rolling his eyes behind his sunglasses.

"I did nothing of the sort! It's not my fault that you sat on that baby cactuar!" So he twisted it a little. It was stuck in his pants and he didn't have a choice but to twist it. Zack started to chuckle again and got a glare from the prone redhead.

"This is not amusin'," Reno grumbled.

"I had to fight the mommy and daddy cactuar and I didn't get a single needle, never mind in my butt," Zack said.

Tseng took this opportunity to use the pliers, and he grabbed a needle and pulled. Reno's face contorted in pain and he let out another scream as though he was dying. Rude had to use all his strength to hold down the now cursing and writhing redhead.

"Give me some fuckin' warnin'," Reno said lowly through clenched teeth as he tried to wiggle out from underneath the formidable weight of Rude.

"You need to get these removed before we can use Cure, Reno," Tseng said firmly. "There are fifty of them in here and if we don't remove them, they will be harder to remove if we get closer to the medics. There is no way we can travel with those needles still embedded in your skin, either."

"Wouldn't want your ass to be out of commission," Zack said and proceeded to start laughing again. "You," he gasped for air, "you won't be able to play Tetris!"

He received a glare that made him laugh even harder.

"You're lucky that it was only a baby you nearly sat on, and that it shot you with only fifty," Tseng managed to add, somehow able to keep his tone even as he did so.

Zack had to commend Tseng, there was no way he could keep a straight face in any of these situations.

"Proceed, Zack. I will help hold his waist and I encourage you, Reno, to keep your legs in check."

Zack smiled and clicked the pliers together. He thought that that was a good plan. Zack's shins had been attacked by those pointy, black shoes before, and he didn't want to feel them again.

"Just do it," Rude said and looked embarrassed as he had to hold down the squirming redhead.

"Alrighty! Here we go!"

Reno tensed up. "You're enjoyin' this way too much, jackass!"

"Darn right I am! You and your whimpering was getting on my nerves. This is a little bit of payback for listening to your whining for three days!" Zack said as he pulled out a needle.

"Piss-ant!"

Zack smirked as he tossed the needle aside. For a baby cactuar, it sure had big needles. "How many more insults do you have in that small brain of yours?"

Tseng gave him an amused look and Rude groaned.

"I'm gonna call ya every name in the damn book, ya jerkface!" Reno cursed as he tried to get out of the hold from the two Turks.

"I got out four of these and that means that you have forty-six more insults that you have to try to call me as I pull these out of your useless ass!" Zack chuckled as he tried to grab another one but his target moved out of the way.

"I recommend that you hold still," Tseng said. "Or I will be digging them out with a knife later."

Reno clenched his teeth and glared back at them all. "I'm so fuckin' glad that you are fuckin' amused by my pain, yo. All of ya're dick-weeds." But he was still.

"Forty-six more insults," Zack said as he lined up with another quill.

Zack pulled and it came out rather easily this time, but Reno's whole body tensed and a new insult burst from his lips, "Fucktard!"

Zack laughed again. "Forty-five."

"I hate all of ya," Reno said in a low voice. "I really fuckin' hate ya all, yo."

"We know, Reno," Tseng said as he stroked his back. "Stay still."

Zack grabbed another one and yanked. This one was pretty stuck and he had to twist it to get it out again.

"Fuckin' dipshit!"

Zack laughed as he tossed it over his shoulder. "That one isn't even original." He received a glare from the redhead's blue eyes.

The procedure continued, and Zack had to admit, he was getting quite innovative with the insults. He almost wished that he was recording it for later playback.

The next five insults were amusing: 'Lingering Crotch Stain', 'Ass Clown', 'Nimrod' and 'Peckerhead'.

"Forty more to go," Zack said. Reno was really starting to sweat and shake. Rude gave him a potion to help him with the pain, but what Reno needed was the needles out of his butt.

"Just fuckin' do it," Reno said, his voice not as full of anger as before, even though his eyes were nearly glowing with it.

Zack resumed the pulling. Reno did seem to have a nice array of insulting nicknames to throw at him. This list included: 'Meathead', 'Slug', 'Retard', 'Bastard', 'Whore', and 'Skank'.

"Are you calling me loose, Reno?" Zack chuckled as he continued.

Reno continued with his insults, which moved to his sexual orientation: 'Cum Guzzler', 'Jizzbeard', 'Ass Pirate', 'Turd Burglar', 'Cocksmoker', 'Buttmunch', 'Poofter', 'Tea-Bagger', and 'Cum Dumpster'.

"Are you calling me gay, Reno?" Zack asked.

Reno was looking a little more worn out now. There were twenty five more to go and it was wearing on him. He still looked pissed, and Rude gave him half of another potion and then handed it to Tseng.

"I've heard ya had some 'stress relief' in the gym with the Generals from time to time," Reno said and gave him a crooked grin.

"Reno, I'm going to pour this on you," Tseng said and then poured without waiting for a response. A potion on an open wound was like acid. It was one thing to drink the horrid-tasting stuff, but at least it didn't sting that way.

"Needle dick," Reno called and then realized who he just insulted. "Sorry, Bossman."

"Understandable. Please continue, Zack."

'Butthead', 'Ratbag', 'Jarhead', 'Slag', 'Wanker', 'Panty-waist' and 'Bonehead' were the next array of curses. Reno panted the last insult out without as much venom as before. They pulled out another potion but Reno refused it.

"Tastes like garbage, yo," Reno said. "Let's get that shit out of my ass already."

"I would rather that it stayed in until I got all the needles out," Zack said.

Reno groaned and rested a hand on his arm. "Small town hick and your bad fuckin' sense of humour."

He looked to Tseng and was a little worried by the quick nod that he was getting from Tseng who was no longer looking amused. Zack didn't find it funny anymore to be pulling out the quills either. Reno was looking pale and he was shaking pretty bad.

"Get on with it, yo," Reno said and pressed his head against the rock. Rude ran his hands over his shoulders and Tseng held his waist still as Zack positioned the pliers over another quill.

The insults still came, but they were a lot softer: 'Asshole', 'Douchebag', 'Moron', 'Shitface'.

Reno yelled the last one and twisted out of the grip of the two Turks. He still had the strength to turn around and grab his arm. "Quit. Fuckin'. Twistin'. Them." Reno was shaking as he said so, and Rude quickly grabbed him by the shoulders and threw him back over the rock. Tseng grabbed another potion and forced Reno to drink it.

"I had to twist the last one," Zack said, now feeling very nervous about pulling the last of them out.

"Get it done," Reno said as he lay bonelessly on the rock. Tseng frowned and put his hands on Reno's lower back and examined the ones that remained.

"There are only fourteen. Pull them out in quick succession so then we can apply Cure," Tseng said. "Zack, quickly, please."

Reno groaned. Zack sighed and put his own hand on Reno's shaking back and pressed down. "Quick."

"Fuck, I hate you all," Reno whispered and Zack started to pull out the remaining quills.

The insults began anew with less venom but still one with every quill: 'Skank', 'Tool', 'Idiot', 'Dipshit', 'Pussy', 'Chump', 'Turd', 'Git', 'Loser', 'Punk', 'Twit', 'Moogle Pouf', 'Spaz' and finally, 'Goon'.

He didn't see any more and he thought he had counted fifty. "Do you feel any more?" Zack asked.

"I can't feel a fuckin' thing," Reno said. "My ass is numb, yo."

"Cast Cure," Tseng said and Rude obeyed. "And you will drink another potion," Tseng commanded Reno.

Reno was briefly surrounded by a green light and some of his colour returned to his cheeks. He finally stood with his new hole-filled pants. He still looked pale. "You're a fuckin' sadistic monster!"

"Do you feel any more pricks in your ass?" he asked and couldn't help but start to smile again.

"You're a lunk-headed, muscle-brained dingus," Reno yelled and pressed his finger into his chest and then grabbed the pliers. Reno firmly gripped them, scowled and promptly threw the tool across the desert sands.

"Are you done?" Zack said.

Reno let out a loud scream and then fell face first in the sand. They stared at the fallen Turk.

"He's done," Rude said as he knelt down beside Reno and grabbed him by the collar.

Tseng had the amused smile on his face as Reno now had a sand-covered face as he spit out a mouthful of sand. "Yeah, I'm done," Reno said as he was set on his own feet again. "Can we get goin'?"

They moved back to their little sand buggy and got in their original positions. The only difference was that Reno lay across Rude and Tseng's lap as they drove. Zack could see that Reno looked quite happy to be in that position.

* * *

"Who the fuck thought this was fuckin' funny?"

The yell of Reno could be heard through the halls and the new array of curses and insults that followed as well.

Everyone was laughing as Tseng walked over to Reno's now cacti-covered desk. Tseng was the only one not laughing as he looked at the red face and humiliated Turk.

"Reno," Tseng voice stopped the colourful words from flowing.

"Boss?" He glared at the fifty-some potted cacti, all with small spikes and thorns and decorated with bows. There was a balloon that said, 'Congratulations on your recovery' that was tied on the corner of his desk.

Tseng finally pulled a hand out from behind his back and placed yet another small plant on the desk that contained spikes. Reno's face turned nearly as red as his hair. "And I would recommend that you watch your language. It certainly has degraded."

Tseng turned on his heel and left the room, which filled with laughter from the other Turks and the swearing from Reno.

* * *

**Reno's language was just horrible in here and he sure has a lot of insults stored in his brain... I have never written so many insults in my life before.**


End file.
